More Than Hope

I'm not a big fan of hope. I know that may sound weird, given that hope usually carries a good connotation, but I've recently decided I just don't like it. The word has been thrown around through our whole infertility journey like rice on a wedding day, but what does it really mean?

The dictionary defines hope as the following:

"to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to feel that something desired may happen."

Ok, maybe that doesn't sound so bad at first. But let me break it down for you. To have reasonable confidence that something desired may happen? Yeah, that's not enough for me. I want TOTAL CONFIDENCE that what we desire WILL HAPPEN!! I want more!

So how do I get that? Well, it really depends on what I desire, right? If what I desire is a baby, then the word "hope" isn't such a bad fit. There is no guarantee in the Bible that God will grant us a baby. Someone please show me the verse that says "And lo, I will bestow upon thee the "B" family a beautiful child, and ye shall call her name Lucy." (Is that blasphemous? I don't mean it to be. I'm just fired up.)

Oh, but wait! There is a guarantee in the Bible...about something else:

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:8

Sooo...if what I desire is God's presence in my life, taking care of me and leading me, than I CAN have what I'm looking for. So...I...should...want...what...God...promises.... Biggest DUH moment of the century, Erin!!

Here's the crux of it: hope only hurts when the thing you hope for never happening is a bad thing, right? So what will happen for us if we never have a baby? Um...let me think...Adam will still be my husband (sweet!), we will still have awesome friends and family, and life will still be as great as it is right now. AND God will still be with us, every day of our lives! That's not so bad, huh?!

The way I see it, hope is only appropriate when there are two possible outcomes: one good, and one bad. We, on the other hand, have a win-win situation here.

We have something more than hope. We have a guarantee - from God.

I'm inclined to take Him at His word.